With much thought, tears, and heartache Silas and I have separated. Whether it's permanent or temporary remains to be seen but i've signed a lease for a year so, it appears, that there is at least a 12 month minimum on this thing. Now before you all go jumping to conclusions and casting stones please know that this is entirely my decision and NOT predicated on any kind of catastrophic event; i've been slowly simmering in unhappiness and dissatisfaction, wondering what else might be out there, and it finally came to a boil.
I've never, ever lived alone and it's something i've always wanted to do. Obviously, with Semra, it's a different kind of "living alone" but, so far, i really, really enjoy having a home that's all mine. My nights without Semra i come home after work to the quiet, empty apartment and revel in being by myself, making the decision to go to sleep when i please, spread out all over the bed with a book, a cup of tea and and a dish of hummus (I'm seriously becoming obsessed with Sabra hummus) and carrot sticks. Which isn't to say that i couldn't do that with Silas, it's just...different.
I know it's a drastic, dramatic, life-changing step to take. I know how much it's hurt Silas which absolutely tears me up inside. I've always been the one to try to bolster him up when he's down, and now i'm the one doing the hurting. And yet i continue. I feel like it's a step i need to take, to try and find myself, to see how i operate alone. And i'm so grateful that Silas, even though it hurts and is frightfully hard, is being strong enough to say "I understand".
We're splitting time with Semra and she seems to be handling the transition really well. She "gets" that there is Mommy's House and Daddy's House. And we're all spending time together as a family on Wednesdays doing fun things as well as the little errands and household chores that need to be taken care of. Overall i feel like things are going well, at least as positively as could be expected. It's not easy, emotionally speaking for either of us, but we're managing okay.
So there you have it. Any questions? Send me an email. Words of support, vilification, or whatever else can go in the comments.
PS - This is a friends-locked post, do you think i should make it public so my non-LJ friends can see this?