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A Treatise on Facial Hair

 Since seeing Sherlock Holmes and marveling at the surge of WANT i felt for Jude Law i've been doing a lot of thinking.  About facial hair.  I'm not one of those girls who digs or does not dig a beard or a mustache.  I feel like i'm pretty "equal opportunity" in that regard.  Many men can (and do) switch back and forth between beardlessness and beardedness on a regular basis to no ill-effect.  They look just as good with a beard as without.  And there are the men for whom a beard or mustache just looks ridiculous.  Why fix what ain't broke, right?  But i really got to pondering the men who either need facial hair to approach handsomeness or are greatly enhanced by the presence of a well-placed beard or mustache.  So now, i present to you my over-long, completely silly, examination of men in Hollywood and their facial hair.  

Jude Law

While i've always thought that Jude Law was a very pretty man-boy i've never been particularly attracted to him.  Sure there was a few swooney moments in The Talented Mr. Ripley but overall you just look at his clean-shaven self and he pretty much just screams "douchey douche baggery!"  But, for whatever reason, that mustache just changes things.  I mean, there's still that douchiness about him (a mustache, of all things, isn't going to change that) but it just does -something- that makes the whole package so much more appealing.  I spent most of Sherlock Holmes looking at Jude Law and thinking "Yum."  Though that may have been the french fries i was eating, seriously, go to Cinebarre!

Tom Selleck

If ever there were a champion for mustachioed men Tom Selleck is it.  Granted, in the "Ike" image he's 20 years older and completely bald but there is an undeniable appeal to this man's wicked 'stache.  Clearly this is a case where the mustache makes the man.  Though it hardly seems fair to pit the sexiness of Dwight D. Eisenhower against Magnum PI....

Ewan McGregor

Ewan is my number one.  My heart will always and forever be his, regardless of the status of his facial hair.  However...mustachioed Ewan doesn't particularly do anything for me.  Beardless, scruffy, full beard, those are Ewan's brightest spots.  Clean shaven you can really appreciate his wide, gorgeous mouth and well formed chin.  Bearded, you focus on his eyes.  Mustachioed, well, unfortunately he looks a bit like the dodgey farmer from down the road who is always so nice but you suspect he keeps women chained up in has barn.  Still though...i like barns.

Viggo Mortensen

Okay, there is just no contest here.  Clean-shaven Viggo is okay, in a non-descript, boring, dimpled-chin, bleh kind of way.  But slap like 8 days worth of growth on his face and BANG!  Sex on wheels!  Maybe it's just because Aragorn is dreamy  because he's got a destiny that he's fighting and he's so madly in love with Arwen that he's sending her away so she'll never die.  That, dude, that is sexy.  But if that slacker on the left was doing the same thing, meh, whatevers.  Beard.  All the way.  Keep it, rock it, love it.

George Clooney

You know what?  Arguing the merits of beard or no-beard on this one is pointless.  I'd end up talking for all eternity, endlessly spiraling into a vortex because this man is killer gorgeous with or without facial hair.  I mean, he even totally rocked the pencil-thin stache in Oh Brother Where Art Thou.  It takes a special man to work that kind of facial hair.  Speaking of...

Clark Gable

First: Gah!  Teeth!  Second: Rowr.

Paul Giamatti

I don't know if words can accurately convey JUST how much a difference a beard makes on this man.  Without a beard, let's just be honest, the man is a troll.  Just, ick.  He looks like a penis with glasses.  With a beard, it's a whole different ball game.  He looks adorable.  Cheeky and clever and even moderately handsome.  Never, ever, ever lose the beard Paul.  Ever.  

Rufus Sewell

Um.  Words kind of fail me when i look at Rufus Sewell.  I can feel my pupils dialate and i have to take deep cleansing breaths.  It's as if the man were zapping his pheromones through the ether and right out of my computer screen.  So yeah.  Anyway.  Beard or clean-shaven he still looks like he wants to take you into a custodian's closet and do unspeakable things to you except that the smooth-faced version would do it with a laugh and a twinkle in his eye and the scruffy version...well...he'd probably just ravish you and smile languorously afterwards.  Either way, i'm so on board.

Hugh Jackman

There is no denying the fact that Hugh Jackman is a good-lookin' son-of-a-gun.  And, while it's a difficult choice, i do think that fuzzy Jackman wins out over fresh-faced Jackman.  I toyed with the idea of putting a Wolverine pic here since that's honestly way that i prefer my Hugh but i worried that would be saying that i prefer Wolverine over Hugh Jackman, which i don't.  If that makes any sense.  So, no beard, nice.  Beard, a teeny bit nicer.

Sean Connery

James Bond, yum.  Sir Sean, delicious.  Zed, PLEASE SOMEONE RIP OUT MY EYES!!!  
I acknowledge that it's not fair of me to include little red bikini/onesie picture here but it's does prove the point that this is a man for whom the beard is the be-all and end-all.  As the dapperly clean-shaven 007 he's certainly attractive, i mean, look at the pussy galore he got (HAH, see what i did there?!  I'm clever!) but the beard just completes him.  Maybe it's because my first real exposure to Connery was in Last Crusade but i'm pretty adamant on the beard issue here and i feel like most people would agree with me.  If you want to see Sir Sean's hair keep pace with his facial hair  check out Medicine Man.  Tres hilarious.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 11th, 2010 05:28 am (UTC)
OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT IKE ONE! Tom Selleck? I would never ever have believed that was him. So weird. So hairless.

PS: Edited to use proper icon. My favorite hairless man ever: Peter Furler.

Edited at 2010-01-11 05:29 am (UTC)
Jan. 11th, 2010 06:41 pm (UTC)

Jan. 11th, 2010 11:34 pm (UTC)
Jan. 11th, 2010 09:20 pm (UTC)
if you haven't seen it, i must point you to beard no beard. :)
Jan. 12th, 2010 04:36 pm (UTC)
Please post this as a note on facebook so I can tell all my friends to go read it! I loved it!
Jan. 12th, 2010 04:37 pm (UTC)
that post above was me.
Jan. 12th, 2010 11:07 pm (UTC)
Actually i think if you paste the URL onto your wall you can share it yourself. Make me famous on the internets!
Feb. 11th, 2010 05:10 am (UTC)
my favoritest
still my favoritest post. ever. (angela + wesley)
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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