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Short-lived  :
(shôrtlvd, -lvd)

using the verb "to live" versus the noun "life"

Nounification. New word, i like it.

Ah, interesting...

Usage Note: The pronunciation (-lvd) is etymologically correct since the compound is derived from the noun life, rather than from the verb live. But the pronunciation (-lvd) is by now so common that it cannot be considered an error. In the most recent survey 43 percent of the Usage Panel preferred (-lvd), 39 percent preferred (-lvd), and 18 percent found both pronunciations equally acceptable.

personal pronunciation of said term is changing...now.


The Ptolemaic system

 I've been thinking a lot lately about how we view the world as individuals. Humans are, by nature i think, a pretty selfish lot. People say "how can you be so selfish?" and i have to think "how can i not?" I think therefore i am. Therefore i am the star of my show. The center of my own universe.

When i was younger (and i still do this i suppose) i would sometimes be startled by realizing that all the people around me: the other kids in my class, the random shoppers in the mall, all the other drivers on the freeway, were thinking, feeling beings, wrapped up in their own internal worlds and dramas and i was nothing but noise on their radars. Though i was the most central figure in my head, in theirs i was nothing more than a speck. And even with people who are close to me, whom i love, i have to consciously remind myself that their experience of the world and of me is different than my experience. It kind of blows my mind sometimes.

When waiters do things like forget my iced tea it's easy, because of course i am the center of the universe, to assume that they're doing this on purpose because she doesn't like my shoes or thinks i'm being jerk. But if i pull it back and remember that THEY'RE the center of their OWN universe it becomes clear that they're lost in their own personal drama of too many customers, thinking about the late phone bill, how her bra strap is digging into her ribcage, and the lousy tip the person at table 24 left because she [the waitress] must have done something wrong. While the lousy tipper at table 24 left a lousy tip not because he thought she was a crummy waitress (he barely spared a thought for her because he was lost in HIS own universe) but rather because he only had a single one dollar bill after his change and didn't want to feel like a schmuck for getting change for a twenty.  Ultimately, we're all just bumbling along, trying to get through life as best we can and we just happen to intersect these other universes.

We're all existentially alone. We operate in these bubbles thinking that OUR experience is the most important (and it is, it's YOUR experience after all) but what you have to remember is that EVERYONE thinks their experience is the most important. And by "important" i mean i don't mean prize-winning or world-changing but it's the only experience you have, the only way of seeing the world as it lays out before you. You have to make yourself the star of the show.

What's shocking is when another universe crashes into yours. When you're able to, for even just an instant, see completely from their point of view. Suddenly you can take on the burden of their lives and you see that we're all seeing and living the world our own very unique ways. It can be especially jarring when you can see the direct influence you have on someone else's universe and you can feel the pain or the joy that the proximity of your universe is causing. 

Random, rambling thoughts. Such is me. Such am I. Cogito ergo sum.

So here it is, in a nutshell.

With much thought, tears, and heartache Silas and I have separated. Whether it's permanent or temporary remains to be seen but i've signed a lease for a year so, it appears, that there is at least a 12 month minimum on this thing.  Now before you all go jumping to conclusions and casting stones please know that this is entirely my decision and NOT predicated on any kind of catastrophic event; i've been slowly simmering in unhappiness and dissatisfaction, wondering what else might be out there, and it finally came to a boil.

I've never, ever lived alone and it's something i've always wanted to do. Obviously, with Semra, it's a different kind of "living alone" but, so far, i really, really enjoy having a home that's all mine. My nights without Semra i come home after work to the quiet, empty apartment and revel in being by myself, making the decision to go to sleep when i please, spread out all over the bed with a book, a cup of tea and and a dish of hummus (I'm seriously becoming obsessed with Sabra hummus) and carrot sticks. Which isn't to say that i couldn't do that with Silas, it's just...different.

I know it's a drastic, dramatic, life-changing step to take. I know how much it's hurt Silas which absolutely tears me up inside. I've always been the one to try to bolster him up when he's down, and now i'm the one doing the hurting. And yet i continue. I feel like it's a step i need to take, to try and find myself, to see how i operate alone. And i'm so grateful that Silas, even though it hurts and is frightfully hard, is being strong enough to say "I understand".

We're splitting time with Semra and she seems to be handling the transition really well. She "gets" that there is Mommy's House and Daddy's House. And we're all spending time together as a family on Wednesdays doing fun things as well as the little errands and household chores that need to be taken care of. Overall i feel like things are going well, at least as positively as could be expected. It's not easy, emotionally speaking for either of us, but we're managing okay.

So there you have it. Any questions? Send me an email. Words of support, vilification, or whatever else can go in the comments.

PS - This is a friends-locked post, do you think i should make it public so my non-LJ friends can see this?


Green Boot Thursday

I've named them Mark and Darla and I am in love.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 Been quiet.  There are reasons.  I'll tell them to you later, perhaps.  

Is anyone still out there?

I dreamed of an LJ where I had a hundred comments. It stroked my ego and frightened me at the same time.

Now I am just awake after too few hours of sleep and looking forward to New Year's Eve. Or perhaps dreading it. 5 hours of sleep is no way to prepare for a long evening. It's okay, the prospect of a movie followed by dancing, dancing, dancing will keep my energy up.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


Middle of the night aside

How strange is it that, even though it's 3 am and I've been awoken by my bad-dreaming toddler, I'm really looking forward to going to work today? The final days before Christmas are undoubtedly my favorite to work at the bookstore. The pace is hectic, the customers are in good moods, the day flies by. And it warms my heart when someone walks out with a pile of books that i've recommended. I like knowing that people they love will be reading the books that I'm fond of.

Okay, back to bed for me.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Christmas Carol whatsit?

"A child, a child
shivers in the cold
let us bring him silver and gold.
Let us bring him silver and gold."

WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! There is a newborn infant, born in a mother effin' BARN and you want to bring him precious metals? For God's sake wise men, how 'bout you bring him a freaking BLANKET?! Sheesh. Why do I gotta do all the thinkin' around here?

I was having a fine night.  But one or two or three very small things picked at me until now, here i am, grouchy.  And feeling generally unlovely.  Bleh.

Yeah, no.

I worried, for a couple of days, that maybe the small, angry red spot that just began to flake above my right eye was the beginnings of skin cancer. And I told myself "if it's not better by Thursday I'll make a doctor appointment."

I worried until today. When I remembered cooking bacon on Sunday night and the small but hostile drop of bacon fat that jettisoned out of the pan and directly toward my eye.

It's a burn. And I am an idiot.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


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